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I believe and in my experience , the level of permission you give yourself to grieve, to feel and express the emotions that arise from loss will be one of the biggest factors in how quickly you will be able to accept that loss of something you love so much.
On the 15th I said goodbye to one of our most loved and loyal dogs.
I couldn’t even string my first sentence to the receptionist at the vets together without the lump in my throat forming and tears falling.
I let that come, I didn’t hold what I felt back.
When the vet was ready to see me and the look on her face told me there was nothing they could do and her most painless option was to be euthanised, the uncontrollable, nose blocking tears streamed.
I let them come, I felt no shame.
When I saw our beautiful Peg looking sad and in pain, I hugged her so tight and let my tears soak her head, I chanted I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, over and over again while the vet stood behind me.
I let those words out, no holding back.
When Peg stood with her head on my shoulder while the vets administered her overdose, I let the tears stream silently down my face as I whispered, “I love you Peg, I am so sorry”
I let them fall, I let the words flow.
As I sat in my ute, with her wrapped in a blanket on the backseat, I screamed, I hit the steering wheel, I cried and cursed so hard I was fighting for breathe.
I let it out, no holding back.
When a lady from farmlands came out to ask if I was okay as I was driving away, I burst into tears and allowed a stranger to hug me.
I let that happen, zero shame felt.
I went to town looking like a puffer fish and had not one bit of embarrassment.
Driving her up to her final resting spot overlooking the west coast.
The tears kept falling, I let them come.
While Asher dug a hole with the tractor I hugged her and again let those uncontrollable, nose blocking, spluttering river of tears run.
I let them come, no holding back.
I showed up on social media, puffer fish face, tears streaming.
No shame felt, I believe grief needs to be talked about more.
Later that night, with no tears left to fall but so much crying left to do, the energetic pressure inside was too much, I grabbed a pillow and I screamed, I screamed so hard my face went red.
God that felt good.
The pain, the heartache, the pressure of the energies inside me, was something I haven’t felt for awhile, it was the pain you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel to. It feels like you won’t ever accept the loss, like you won’t ever be able to look at a photo or remember the good times without all of those tears falling again.
But I was wrong. Like loss before Peg, I know it gets easier but the acceptance of this loss came quicker than I expected.
While I still f*cking miss her, I still hate seeing the empty spot on the deck and infront of the fire, I still feel like there’s something missing every time I go down to the horses, I still wish she would come and put her head on my shoulder as I watch the horses eat, I still have moments where the memories bring tears, ill have them for months to come but I feel acceptance. I also feel gratitude.
And these are feelings I don’t remember having so soon after previous losses.
But you see, I allowed myself to fully feel the grief, to express what emotions I was feeling and release them in the way they needed to be without any hesitation, shame or fear of judgment.
The undeniable permission I gave myself to truely feel and express, also gave me the ability to accept.
Because the saying you have to feel it to heal it, is a pivotal step
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